A Love Letter to the Fictional World (Diary Logs)

Posted On June 2, 2023

I had some time to myself yesterday and I had an epiphany. I keep myself busy by working, reading, watching movies, going out to eat, scrolling on Instagram, listening to music or literally by doing anything to not be alone with my thoughts. It’s not because I am scared of what I might find in them. It’s because I know what I might find in them. With this daily existence devoid of not truly living, I realised that I feel more in all the activities I do only to avoid feelings in my own life.

I am so torn in heartbreak over Ted Lasso’s series finale, especially watching Ted in such a dilemma the entire time when he had to leave his Richmond family for his son. Am I ever in as complex a dilemma in my own life? Will I ever have that privilege to have two homes only to be torn on having to choose one?

I feel for Kate Pearson’s struggle for weight loss, the challenges of it, the little victories, and the not-so-little setbacks in ‘This Is Us’. I want her to be her best healthy self, no matter what her size is. Am I ever so positive and inspiring to myself in the same journey? Am I just as invested or dedicated to it?

I was saddened by the thought of loneliness in relationships when I read Murakami’s Men Without Women. To feel alone even when you are with someone feels like a loneliness of its own kind with such a depth of sorrow that makes you feel like you are alone in the entire world. Am I even capable of feeling that sorrow if I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with someone? Is the feeling of loneliness without a partner worse or better than the feeling of loneliness with a partner?

I can feel the pain, confusion, love, regret and yearning that Lily Bloom feels for Ryle even when he abuses her in ‘It Ends With Us’. Is he the abuser or the father of her daughter? Which side of his can she choose and which emotions to that side can she feel? Am I ever going to have the courage to walk out of a toxic relationship (if I find myself in one) as much as I want Lily to walk out on hers?

I can also feel all the emotions for Nick Nelson in ‘Heartstopper’ as he struggles to understand his sexuality. And while doing so is constantly in a dilemma on whether he is hurting Charlie or choosing to stay silent when his friends portray homophobic bullying. Am I ever going to feel emotions as complex as Nick’s? If I do, will I come out of it making the correct decisions?

I am always heartbroken when my favorite character dies. They don’t always die a simple death. It’s always attached to grey areas and bitter-sweet moments. Yes, Jamie Lannister betrayed Tyrion and fled to be with Cercei in the last season of Game of Thrones. But, will this act of betrayal make Tyrion less sad about Jamie’s death? Do I have anyone in my life whose death will mean anything other than complete tragic loss? Anything other than what every single person feels when they lose their loved ones?

The complexities with which this content is curated is supposed to make us feel something. Perhaps it is supposed to make us feel a combination of emotions. Angry and sad. Sad and happy. Happy and jealous. Jealous and proud. Proud and hopeless. Hopeless and content. Content and lonely. Lonely and angry. And so it continues, in some way, shape or form. We never feel just one thing when it comes to a story. It’s always a bunch of emotions bundled together. And, this soon becomes the primary reason why we read books and watch movies. To feel more than we feel in our own lives. Is that fair? Living and feeling more in fiction than in reality?

I can define my moods and behaviours in one word for one whole week. Perhaps I am tired or busy or tired again. At times, I am happy with reason or sad without reason. But, whenever I feel like I am crossing these basic emotions into something complex, I flee inside a book or a screen. Because, across these basic emotions lie deeper emotions which I know all too well, but am just not ready to face. So, while I feel on the surface in my life, I always feel deeper when I am in books or movies. And, I know that when the time comes for me to face the deeper emotions in my own life, I will be ready because I have felt every single one of them on behalf of someone else in a fictional world.

Until next time,